What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 08:21
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What makes you feel guilty the most?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I think the readers, may guess!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Are you happy that soon we will never hear from Kamala Jones again?
She loved him until the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What is your favourite colour and why?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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We were not on the streets..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i lived it daily.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was 9 years of age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
My life is so biszare .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ive learnt so much.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was scared of men, in general
I said to her
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She wouldn,t have been !
Im still living with it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
So, i spoilt her more .
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He knew the spot.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When she asked me how she looked .
As i do to all so called friends.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life